finally its becoming real

i won't lie, i do suffer from an eating disorder. the obsession of wanting to be thin, skinny and boney is slowly taking over me mentally!

i've gone to a counseling but i don't find its helping. i can't help be whenever i eat to go and throw up. i did it today, i relapsed. i didn't do it for 2 days, and it was just too suffering. even worse is when i don't even have my weighting scales now. i need them, i feel insecure ):

but admitting it, does it mean i'm seeking for more attention? fuck, i need to stop thinking. i feel like my housemates aren't as close to me than they use to be, i feel like they judge me because of my problem. now i'm confused. i really just wish i could talk to somebody who understands what i'm going through and be able to cry about it comfortabley. maybe i need to get back to work again. maybe i need to keep myself busy and actually quit drinking. but why am i depress? i'm not! i can't be, i'm suppose to be the HAPPY GIRL! the one that makes ppl happy, the one that makes ppl laugh, or shall i say have a good laugh at. really, what's wrong with me? x