finally its becoming real

i won't lie, i do suffer from an eating disorder. the obsession of wanting to be thin, skinny and boney is slowly taking over me mentally!

i've gone to a counseling but i don't find its helping. i can't help be whenever i eat to go and throw up. i did it today, i relapsed. i didn't do it for 2 days, and it was just too suffering. even worse is when i don't even have my weighting scales now. i need them, i feel insecure ):

but admitting it, does it mean i'm seeking for more attention? fuck, i need to stop thinking. i feel like my housemates aren't as close to me than they use to be, i feel like they judge me because of my problem. now i'm confused. i really just wish i could talk to somebody who understands what i'm going through and be able to cry about it comfortabley. maybe i need to get back to work again. maybe i need to keep myself busy and actually quit drinking. but why am i depress? i'm not! i can't be, i'm suppose to be the HAPPY GIRL! the one that makes ppl happy, the one that makes ppl laugh, or shall i say have a good laugh at. really, what's wrong with me? x

my party life so far...

alrighty (: i haven't really been blogging much about my party life in uni right now that's because i had no time to actually sit down and type everything out. i've been to ocean and the su to start off. plus a few bars and pubs. wait for this, somehow ended in mansfield on one night.

i've just been the typical kate when drunk - crazy, wild as usual. nothing special right.

here's just some photos:

she said lifting me was like lifting nothing

nat: let's go and take photos with random guys!

Sophie Road Crew (:
Hanna, Claire, Nat and Me!

here's with Anna - Our Adopted Housemate

Trent Army Night!!

Trying to be Proper Gangster here!

x

lecture from friday

on friday afternoon i attend possibility the most interesting lecture i've ever attended in nottingham trent! haha, pretty fell asleep in every class with chris brown. don't worry this post will be quite short! won't be an entire "lecture note" lenght.

Michelangelo, a renaissance scupltor and art. he was often known as "The Divine" one during his lifetime. but what really caught was when he was painting/scuplting/whatever the Sistine Chapel, he did everything himself - literally everything adding on in a quick time. he was done in 18 months. but was amazed me was when he was on his final "check-up" on the Sistine Chapel work, he literally scraped away everything, and ruined all his hardwork. when asked by Pop Julius the Second, he simply said ,"it just wasn't good enough." therefore he redid the whole Sistine Chapel until it reached his satisfaction.

the point of that was as an artist, he was a man who suffered for his art (he had pernament eye damage and a weak back after the Sistine Chapel) a man with the "divine spirit" - simply a genius. he has something, and could see something and feel something that no one else could. he had the driving force that made him being beyond anything else.

i want to be that person, that person whose a "genius" who has a driving force that no one else could imagine. right now though life is a bit hard for me, but i'm adapting to it cause i know in the end of the day, everything single hardwork i put into it will be reward in the end of the day (: x

apologizes

i apologize to those who actually keep up with my blog.

i've just been very busy working for the past 2 weeks, plus now i'm back in uni it'll be even more hectic. but remember i'm super woman! haha, i can do anything (: x

this seems kinda accurate, and its facebook application or maybe its just because i'm incredible tired right now.

first "prediction" was: "kate sweet, you will feel strong and sure of yourself."
second "prediction" (after refreshing it) was: "... forgot." but its was something about success.

this might just the sorta quote it gives out to all people, or maybe its a sign.
AHHH I THINK TOO MUCH. x

FINGER WERE CROSSED AND I'VE GOT IT (:

PS. don't ask me what my jobs about because i really don't know how to explain it
PPS. i'm hoping to make a £1000 in 2 months

FINGERS CROSS FOR TOMORROW!
I REALLY NEED THIS

puzzled ):

i don't understand, it seems like you are trying to tell me something.
but then again, you aren't.

you are giving the right signals
but then are the signals you giving meant to mean what they meant.

you confuse me, you puzzle me,
you make me think there's a chance but really its impossible

i really don't know whether to be direct to you
or
just wait for you to tell me how you feel

frustration ):

never knew looking for a job was this hard! i just feeling pulling my hair out ): i'm making the effort well i'm putting more than 100% to be frank. this is just because i wanna go back to malaysia during christmas ): why must traveling be so expensive.
-
i really don't know what i'm getting myself into! haha applying for random jobs! first a box office assistant? then to a bloody call center, and one job that i completely don't know what its about. that's just life for me isn't it. x

mime's night

here we go (: photos from claire's 23rd birthday; theme was mime's. haha i took mine off in the middle of our little barcrawl cause my face was itching + alcohol allergies doesn't help too. x

my housemate, claire and me (:
after the wild night out.

in the living room with claire and her friends

in cucumara's
most of the mimes that went into town (:

claire's 23rd birthday party

i came back to my new house especially to celebrate my new housemate - claire's 23rd birthday (: chilled around until i had to get ready. just 2 shots i was erm... a bit tipsy, but sobered up in the shower before hitting the heavy stuff and more SHOTS! left for town early (: went to cucumara, walkabout and ended at rock city!

haha was an adventure. i got BARRED! I NEVER GET BARRED! haha, just from the bar. a bartender SHE didn't want to serve anymore, as she served me once and i could've gotten serve quicker than others. she didn't like it so i just told someone that she won't serve because she served me alright. but i was just stating facts! oh it was a good night, very good night to get to know my housemate as well (: she's lovely and easy! i hope she thinks the same of me. haha x

PS. photos will be here soon! (stolen from claire's camera)

question to kate: why do all i care about nowadays is how i look and my body weight?

answer to kate: because you're just egotistic and selfish, plus don't give a fuck about the people and the world around you

reply to "answer" by kate: that's not true. i care about people and the world around me, just as much as i care about myself.

"answer's" reply to kate: okay... no comment.

life's a bitch sometimes

well life's been pretty much a bitch lately, but then things are turning around. i guess all we have to do sometimes is just to be patient and blame no one (though we tend to point fingers because we believe its the right thing to do) plus (one of the three advice my mum gave me) don't worry about things you can't do on that ever moment. instead relax and worry about it when its time to.

sometime last week, i was thinking i've found another way to being a better person. i've decided never to judge a book by its cover adding on always see the good things in people instead of the bad things. it won't just make it easier for me to get to know them, but don't you think (even though we all do bitch) its possibility the most tiring thing ever. because a thing called karma does exist and in the end of the day it'll turn around and you'll be the victim. x

siobhan's 21st!

it was great to be back though there was plenty drama has already happened. but i shall blog them later (: right now for my first night out when i was back in notts was siobhan's 21st birthday. its good to be back. realized how much i've missed my friends and my partying side of me.

face painting (theme was UV Rave Party)
a night of ring of fire (bad luck to me, i don't know how many times i had to down the middle)
cucumara, BZR
McD and shoeless walking home with siobhan

that night was ace (: i had so much fun with them. i realized something there's actually a big difference between KL partying and England partying. haha i won't state it here, but i still enjoy both. as long as i'm with friends i always have a good time (: x

the graphic trio (:
siobhan, charlie and me!

siobhan and martin are together right now (:
happy for them! they are sound too!

me and siobhan
her face paint is gorgeous!

back to reality

finally i'm back to reality - back in england now! the travelling to be honest has been weird. 13 hrs on airasia + 4 hrs and a half on coach to notts + 1 hr and a half to tibshelf, that's pretty much been my journey for the whole of thursday, so i actually waste the whole of thursday travelling! wow, how fun!

anyways now being back in notts, hopefully by tomorrow i'll be able to get my keys to my house and on to siobhan's birthday party! can't wait to see her and charlie (: missed them during summer! x

the meaning of my name as from facebook

Inspiring but melodramatic
Artistic but extreme
Thoughtful but slow
Perceptive but paranoid

that's is supposedly is the meaning of my name.
maybe its me but maybe not
who knows! x

mix feelings

mum been saying that i'm been uptight recently. and i've asked her why, she said i just am. i figured out the reason why. i've been like this for the past few weeks. everythings been getting on my nerves, literally everything.

going back to england this time i have mix feelings. i don't know why i just do. first stop, i need to deal with my bloody housing. due to hanna's absents i'll be helping her out a bit. but problem is i don't know when i can move in. and bonding with the housemate, i am sociable. but at this rate, malaysia has kind of changed me, in what way that i don't know how. my brother is actually coming over to england to study, which is a good thing, but a stressful thing for me because i, as his elder sister, needs to help him fit in and settle down. i have to deal with housing for him and everything else. plus finding a job, i'm positive i'll be able to get one. but the question is when? i want one within two weeks of being there. i believe i actually stress over things i shouldn't do, but then again. that's me right? i really wanna come back during december, i'm very determine too. determination is good enough for me to get what i want (: x

Sunday Family Brunch

had family brunch that during the last sunday before simon and i fly off to the uk. we headed to TGIFs ordered basically appertizes since i'm not a big eater (the fear of being fat, well i am so who would care) mum and i had mojitoes! well two each to be exact, felt a bit tipsy too. but i thought it was the one of the best mojito i've tasted.




after TGIF's simon and i seperated off with mum and her boyfriend. haha simon and i get a bit annoyed sometimes with them because they seem to take their time plus i wanted cupcake chic :P had a two vanilla cupcakes; one with vanilla icing the other with chocolate icing. the texture of the cake is actually good, very soft as though its melting in the mouth. then..... i actually don't remember much. how wonderful it that!

there's a photo with an item hanging out off its pocket, that's my brother's emergency condom pack! haha, so cute. all his friends has one too. x

on friday i was in the most weirdest mood ever! i felt drunk even though i didn't have a drop of alcohol (except for wine during dinner) i felt so hyperactive and have nothing to do as well. i was so lifeless to the point, Simon and i actually went ot neway to kareoke. was fun actually, just me and him (: brother and sister bonding time. i became such a pest to many people. apologize in advance. but thanks god i went out in the end. went to OUG to shisha with jeffrey and his mates. fun (: that is where i had the best shisha since being in KL.

well saturday was more jam packed. i had a movie "date" with shazana (: an old ISKL friend, we've been in touch since 7th grade if i'm not mistaken. she thought i was weird at first, i thought she was a proper bitch. haha, in the end we became good friends! can't wait, she's coming over to notts on jan (: so it should be good! we watched up. it was such a cute pixar animation movie. very touching plus the moral values behind it was meaningful. forgive mei do actually analyze and interprete movies. during that night i went to pavillion and zouk, tanes' girlfriend organized a supposely surprise birthday party for him, but it didn't turn out that way. i hungout with corey, and met a few of his friends; Otto, Azrin, Julian. Julian was so stunning, Russian model! so tall and skinny. jealousy! haha. this time in zouk it was fun! i wasn't drunk, though it was tempting. i resisted the temptation (: proud of myself big time! oh a very very funny thing was said that night, Julian the model said i look kinda like devon aoki, the mixed japanese supermodel. haha, you must be kidding me. i was properly the most unflattering and overdressed girl in zouk that night! the best part of this whole night was having to run in heel while it was raining heavily to corey's car! fun times. x

Julian and I

corey! extremely "seksi" man. haha

all four of us

later on Azrin joined us

6 more days till the uk!

EXCITEMENT RUSHING TO MY HEAD (:
can't wait now, not long to go!

first stop, siobhan's 21st birthday party! x

childhood - teenage memories

mum's been pressure simon and i to start packing our stuff for england. so i've been going through my boxes located in the store room, and found my primary - middle school box! it was filled with rubbish, but sentimental rubbish.

haha. all my "obsession" during middle school -> daniel radcliffe, harry potter, elijah wood, jay chow and so much more! saw my middle planner, beautifully decorated with print out of daniel radcliffe. oh my days! i remember that year in 7th grade with shazana and olivia, my obsession reach the height. i can't believe it, i actually wrote a poem about him. how lame can that be. the elijah wood came into picture in around late 8th grade, well he does have the most stunning eyes i've ever seen. so beautiful, i could just stare at them day and night.

oh! my childhood collects too (: different cards, stickers, stamps. haha so childish when you come to think of it. but then cute at the same time. i still also got sketchbooks of mine from 8th and 9th grade, and i actually can draw! haha surprise surprise, but in 11th and 12th what the fuck happened? i can't draw to save my life anymore. sad years i guess ):

now my room looks like shit, elements that don't match are everywhere. how unorganize it that, but that's the progress of cleaning up and moving out. i actually can't wait to leave now, i need to "move on" and get a life. all i've been doing is nothing. bored out of my head. time to get hectic again, at least then i'll take my mind of things i want to forget.

by the way, i've got two new piercing (: nothing special, just addition two my left earlobe, hopefully a couple more before i leave for the uk. x

seksi time with my homies :P

misono, yuka and i were skyping for about 3 hours + until one of use lost our connection. been facebook stalking the whole time, bloody hysterical.


a little snapshot of use skyping, but yuka enomomo decided to play on the wii instead of socialize with us. bitch. but still love her. x

signs by bloc party

Two ravens in the old oak tree and
One for you and one for me and
Bluebells in the late December
I see signs now all the time

The last time we slept together
There was something that was not there
You never wanted to alarm me
But I'm the one that's drowning now

I could sleep forever these days
Because in my dreams I see you again
But this time fleshed out fuller faced
In your confirmation dress

It was so like you to visit me
To let me know you were okay
It was so like you to visit me
You always worried about someone else

At your funeral I was so upset
So upset so upset
In your life you were larger than this
Statue-statuesque

I see signs now all the time
That you're not dead, you're sleeping
I believe in anything
That brings you back home to me

I see signs now all the time
That you're not dead, you're sleeping
I believe in anything
That brings you back home to me.

- Signs by Bloc Party

this song reminds me of my father's dead. vivid imagery of how he just laid on the hospital bed and his life slowly being replace by death. it was and always will be the most miserable day of my life. it was as though i was trapped in a nightmare that will never end. i never seen a person suffer for so long, and awaiting for death to come. because of you i've become strong, realized that there is more to life. now i'm a happy-go-lucky girl who appreciates everything that comes my way. its been four years and i'm over your death. its just sometimes words, song, movie, tv series, real life story make me think of you, and causes a tear to drop silently down my cheek. x

siblings and their affections

aw, i love my brother to bits. he's like my twin (nearly there, just only 19 months apart.) it was his birthday on merdeka day (31th august 2009.) to be honest, i don't really take the big deal out of malaysia's independence day. yes i love my country if you minus the politics + prejuidical problems. anyways i came back from hotel party with my friend jeffrey. it was proper memorable! one of the best parties i've been since i've been in malaysia. all his friends were very friendly and very easy to get along with (: thanks for the night.

anyways the lian family went for a small but un-glam lunch. it was alright, I ATE! haha, i need to emphasize that because of my problem i am having. i finished everything :P haha. now i feel fat ): back to the actual topic. siblings and their affections for each other! that's what i here to talk about, mind you it'll all be bullshit though.

people think me and my brother are actually in an relationship or better MARRIED! haha, me and simon married that's just hilarious. plus having to ask us whether we are together, coming people just because we don't look alike, and we are close doesn't mean we are actually together. i to admit sometimes we do actually act like a couple, but that's called sibling love! our affection for each other is indescrible. i look out for him as he does for me. when i'm down he'll cheer me up. when he's in trouble i'm there to help him. we listen to each other when we need a person there. he's my shoulder to lay on as i am to him.


i've met many guys in my life. they are either over-the-top psychotically protective bastards or just plain jerks that use you and can't accept who you are. and that just makes me give up on guys. but simon, he's different maybe because i'm his sister he's the way he is. but at times i'll actually admit he's selfish and very egotistic. (haha who am i to judge when i'm such girl. runs in the family i guess!) does things that only benefit him, but i could see changes in him. and people can change that the whole things (:


anyhow i love my big lil' bro, we're going to england together in about 9 days! scary and nervousity is hitting me again *biting my nails continuously* x

non sense

i am going to ramble about how much i hate life right now. haha, i am fucking depress. i feel ugly and overweight. i feel so useless and stupid. i believe i can't do shit, and don't understand why am i even going to university. all i wanna do it melt in the wall, and become invisible. hiding away from society all alone. x

Post Alcoholic Depression

FUCK THIS. there is one reason why i hate the after effect of being under the influence of alcohol and that is not the hangover (because i don't get them often, and i know what cures a hangover) but the very fact that alcohol makes me feel depress or should i say emo!

life sucks and its boring and pointless, i just want to go back to england right now. x

Friends

people say friends come and go, but i believe once you have a special set of friends that come, they won't just go. misono, yuka and natasha. they are my best friends i've ever gotten. we talked to each other about everything, tell each other our faults and compliment each other for our goods. though we are all scattered all over the world right now, one day i know we'll reunited and pass those days/weeks/months/years with laughter and memories that will never be forgotten. love you, and miss you guys a lot! x

haha, having the most random and weirdest MSN conversation, first started out with misono and then dragged yuka in it. the things we've been and are talking about = ultimate! nothing can top such randomness and crazyness from all four of us. once all four of us are put in a room alone, there will be lots of chattering and laughs (:

yuka and her cockroach adventures. misono and ali comments on my status. plus all the non sense about misono living in kate's vagina. looking for cheap flight back to malaysia. planning out drunk nights out when we come back.

i can't wait! all i have to do it save some money (: and get my air tickets. work hard, study hard and party harder when i'm back in town! x

Some Summer Artwork

my mum got me doing her sub plan this summer, i can't believe she threw last year's sub plans away! meaning i had redo all grades, from prep senior to grade 5. well here are four of the samples that i've posted up:- self portrait for 5th grade, tropical birds for 3rd grade, butterflies for 2nd grade and sea turtles for 1st grade. but the ultimate is prep senior called hand print horse!


as childish i can be, i've actually named all these 4 of these animals. haha, my mum thought i was being silly. but to be honest, we are still children. my mum can't say anything to defend herself because everyday she has her "mad half an hour" (as she refers it) and today she and simon (my bro) picked on me so much! they were whining me up so badly that i snapped ): haha, but they didn't take it personally.


the names for the name animals are:-
handprint horse = Mandy
sea turtle = Speedy
tropical bird = Paddy
butterfly = Sally

Don't ask me why I chose those names, they just happened to be the first thing that came to my mind, well two of the names are from the tv series called Shameless shown in the uk, so i guess two of the names were from there. x

my course

okay. since i've nothing what so ever to do, i'm going to start blabbering on about my life in the past 10+ months while living in the uk. first my course (:

i attend nottingham trent university and study BA (HONS) graphic design. i love my subject a lot! even though i do have my break downs due to stress-level. well i can't blame anyone about that, i was the one who decided to party day and night right. right, back to topic! my tutors were good (which is important, unlike stupid lambie) but there were some erm... weird ones? CHRIS BROWN classic example, i bet everyone (well at least i think so) always thought he was hungover (probably is to be frank), or just rolled out of bed without bothering to comb his hair. and there's douglous! and and and anthony! haha, i'm so mean gossiping about my tutors in 1st year.

my courseworks were alright, so fun so not so fun. especially the type hero, i hated it! i really really liked the book cover design, type terms, mycube, and the a moment in time. it was a pity i didn't have much time for my moment in time project. i was stupid enough to leave it 3 days before hand-in time! well what comes around goes around, just thank god i've passed!

my proudest work for the whole year

this is my book cover for "Red Dragon" by Thomas Harris

my page layout basically filled with non sense, maybe that's why i nearly failed first year

a photo which is part of my mycube project, reflects what makes me up.

anyways ppl, that's it for my course. wait a second, i haven't told you about how i use to sleep in "the evolution of graphic design." every monday at 9 in the morning, no doubt toward the middle of his lectures i'll fall asleep like a baby. went to his lecture hungover/drunk before too. oh life! haha x

i've dyed my hair, it was supposedly called copper, but i think its more toward red. once a brunette, then a blond. now i feel like a red head. sorry about the quality of the photos, my camera was nicked by someone in a houseparty when i had to go to the hospital. i think i should start blogging about my experiences in england from the past year. that's if i remember it :P x

dissappointment

i'm extremely disappointed with myself ): i can't believe all those month in england where i've drank so much more than last night didn't pay off. i was fucked out of my face, i don't have a clue on what i've done. adding on i bet i humiliated myeslf BIG TIME! well its called SOD'S LAW. fuck it that's life right? x

suffering from "jetlagged"

i've been in kuala lumpur for more than a month, but i still am on british time ): why can't i just sleep! i was sleepy just now, but now at the moment in time i'm not tired what so ever. maybe i'm hungry. but it can't be, i had dim sum (1 xiu mai, pai guat, and lo pak gou) plus vietnamese kitchen (some chicken piece, half a slice of lemongrass fish, and aberguans with no rice.) this is just sad! i wanna sleep.

i've realized my liking for thinking. i can think all day and night about non sense. but when puzzling situations come along, i can't stop thinking! i "web" out all possibility/signs/signals/whatever to try and solve it myself. but in the end of the day i realized that the only way to know is ask, take action. but then again, i prefer not to do such think because knowing the "answer" from the "question" isn't always a good things.

i'm having a cough plus a sore throat. isn't good ): i'm really hoping i'm not getting H1N1, but i'm actually guessing its too much smoking, shisha-ing and drinking (minus it a bit, give me credit i haven't drank as much i would in england.) but i shall recover, hopefully very soon.

shit this is just great, i have to go my hometown tomorrow. a long drive fro my brother, having actually to see the relatives. it'll be NO FUN! i dislike going back, due to the fact we just never really got along.

anyways i better actually try and sleep now. x

actions has been taken

i know what i did isn't good, plus i feel really guilty for such action. but now its done, i finally have it off the chest.

we can't always dwell on the past, we have to move forward and seek for the right one.

Back In Action

i believe the only reason why i'm blogging again, its because i'm getting a bit bored. plus having too much opinions on the top of my head that needs to be release somehow and somewhere.

really i feel extremely egotistic and whiny. haha, all i do it whine.

anyways fuck yuka, she's leaving me again ): it'll be extremely sad, but then hopefully we'll all meet up in melb? london? tokyo? kuala lumpur? we'll find somewhere and somehow. x