just can't get what i want

life's fucked up, its a piece of shit. i'm not going to england, i've accepted it. i can't wait anymore, its been too long. all i feel like doing now is curling up into a little ball, and cry my head off until i'm dehyedrated and die.

i feel like stabbing myself 3,4 times just so the pain will go away. no one understands how i feel right now. not even my mum, she just tole me there nothing i can do now, but just wait. i can't wait, i'm angry and furious. i just want to die, so all my emotions will go away. then i won't need to feel anything anymore.

i want to go to Nottingham Trent University. i want to make more friends, i want to meet ppl whom i got to know on facebook. i want to visit grandma, grandad, aunty louise, little benny boy, and everyone i know. its so unfair, i just can't get what i want can't it. i was never able to get what i want, i mean the things i wanted in life are never what i want. i want to go to england, i'm dying to go to england. i want that acceptance! that's nothing much to ask for. i'm not doing a medical or a law degree. fuck, i'm doing a graphic designs degree. what do i need to stress that i'm capable for the course, i won't mind killing myself to get in. as i said, i'm dying to get in. i'll die to get in.

fuck it, i give up. i should've gave up long ago.